Yesterday Matthew and I played Showcase Showdown, guessing closest to the size of my biggest follicle without going over. He had the right ovary, I had the left. He won. Dang. Our fertility specialist doctor found it hilarious. I think the medical student may have thought we were crazy though. Making fun out of a bad situation!
So yesterday I had an echo since one of my meds can cause heart failure. The lady asked if I had one before. I said yes, 1 yr ago, as I had a new grade 3 systolic murmur. She was fine with that until it came out that I found it myself. She says, “oh, you found it? You probably just heard breath sounds.” Me: “I’m sorry, I think I just hallucinated. Are you saying that I do not know the difference between heart sounds, murmurs, and breath sounds? Really. Wow. I worked in open heart recovery. I knew what it was. I had a CV surgeon and PA, & my PCP listen and all agreed it should be checked out.” Ten she says: “Echos are ordered too much for nothing.” I enjoyed this as much as the multiple nurses trying to draw my blood who miss multiple times tell me it’s because I’m dehydrated. What?! I have been purposely drinking PLENTY and the vein is RIGHT THERE!!
Spent the 1st half of our day in Ann Arbor for tests. We finally got to try Zingerman’s for lunch after it being strongly recommended by multiple people. It was amazing.
Sooo…. I think I’ve finally grown past the stage where whenever someone tells me “have a nice day” I can’t help but think how bad I want to scream, “screw you, I have cancer!,” which is a relief because I felt really bad every time as it had nothing to do with that nice person. Whew!
It turns out that without intention, I am becoming cancer. I am not upset or complaining about this but I find how easily it happened without my realizing very interesting. Having cancer has affected every. single. aspect of my life. My focus, consciously & unconsciously, has revolved around it. Sooo many people have been asking me about it and how I’m doing. So much that when people who have no idea I have it ask me how it’s going, I assume it’s the cancer they’re asking about so I fill them in on the latest update & get a “deer-in-the-headlights, heartbroken, I’m so sorry, yet awkward what do I say to that, I think I just hallucinated – what did you say?!” look in return.
So again, I am NOT complaining and please ask me anything you want. This just struck me funny so I had to share.
Generally, I do not feel well. Is it the stress? The flooding of every emotion? The meds? The frequent poking and prodding of various procedures? I’m not sure. Probably all. But it’s nausea, pain, constipation, diarrhea, headaches, fatigue. And I haven’t started chemo yet. But I’m doing okay. I’m going to try work today (how? Not quite sure yet). Yesterday I was poked 3x before succeeding at drawing my blood. I’ve been poked so much my veins are already on hiatus. And there are so many hard decisions to make. Like my medport, for example. In the arm, likely to clot off so I’d have to have another procedure to get a new one. In the chest, okay, but probably would be in the way for reconstruction and I’m told would have to come out so again another procedure. I need this thing for a year. It feels like so much lose-lose. In my weakest moments, I have thought “if only it was too far advanced, I wouldn’t have to make these hard decisions. It’d be a done deal.” But those are just my weakest moments. Even though I feel like crap, most of my moments are the “let’s do this” variety.
My chemo sentence is 18 weeks, each session ~6 hours for all 4 meds to be infused. The Herceptin, not a chemo, is for a year, the rest for the 18 weeks. One of the chemo meds has platinum in it – What can I say, my tumors have fancy & expensive taste .
It sucks. Every single part of it sucks. There’s not really anything to say other than that. I have to look for new strength every day because honestly, I’m exhausted. But it is what it is. All I can do is take it day by day and tomorrow is a new day.
My lymph nodes were negative!!! Wa hooo!!
Next, medport and chemo. I did get 2 cute wigs, thanks to the cancer services of Midland, and a few cute head wraps though!!
So I went into last night’s injection all stoic. Turns out the skin on my left abdomen is tougher than the right so I really had to push (no needle-bending though – whew!). I did get a little rash and it itched but today, holy ecchymosis!! That needle got the best of me. Back to the right tonight…
So when I have blood drawn, injections, IVs, TB test, anything of the such, I am the white-knuckling, stop breathing type (I usually have to literally be told to breathe) BUT I’ll have you all know that I just gave myself my own injection – yeah baby!!!!